Dear Phendi

A Letter to My Heart

Dear Phendi,

I started in Schutzhund a month before you were born. I attended a seminar with Michael Ellis where I witnessed the finest dogs and most importantly the ‘dance’ between dog and handler. I knew this was the picture I needed to strive for so as any green handler does, I had big dreams. I told Michael, ‘If there is a puppy for me, I might be interested.’ And a couple months later, there you were with your lime green collar and mountain of sass.

I could go on for hours of our details and obstacles and how you weren’t always the dog I wanted you to be. But what we should talk about is how you were the perfect dog and the dog I needed you to be and how I wasn’t the handler you deserved... but despite that, you stuck with me. And we achieved that ideal picture... we captured and embraced our ‘dance.’

I had podium dreams in everything. And in reality, You were the dog that could have taken me to several of those if I had been good enough and if life didn’t get in the way.

What I didn’t realize was you came to me for something so much different. A 21 year old me with my little bundle of malinois attitude didn’t know much about the world or life. You came into my life to teach me about life, about love and about living. You helped see me through maturing as a woman and a mother. You and I traveled all over this country for sports and for exploration. You have opened up so many experiences and doors in my life. Because of you I have met so many people in different circles many of which forming lifelong friendships. Through this you have also left paw prints on many hearts.

We tried everything together, you are one of the most diversely title decorated dogs. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t title hungry but that was just one of the lessons you taught me. You showed me that the wins are in the journey and not the trial fields. You were willing to try anything and give it a thousand percent and were always ten steps ahead of me in anything I taught you. You excused my shortcomings as a trainer and while I was technically the trainer, it was you that was training me all along. I owe all of my successes and knowledge as a trainer to you. You helped rehabilitate thousands of behavior challenged client dogs and I thank you for going to work and tolerating that with me for all these years.

You’ve shown me patience and learning during frustration and let’s face it... I was always overchallenging you.

In every ounce of your being, you are my spirit animal. You are spicy, bitchy, funny, smart, intolerant of stupid and if you could speak out loud I know you would be sarcastic. You preferred the company of your family human and dog over everyone else. You didn’t love everyone, but who you loved, dammit you loved hard and with your whole being.

You were the best puppy raiser of your own and all the other puppies client or personal that came through our lives. You gave me the most amazing dog in Dracarys and I am thankful that I have that piece to continue to cuddle.

You were the best hiking and camping companion. I’ll always look at and cherish that rock cairn I made from the rocks I brought back from our last hike up Bear Creek in Telluride when I knew in my heart your body wouldn’t let you make that trip again...but you would have tried. I remember your able body running through the woods and creeks and beaches all over this country and it brings me great joy and warmth to my heart.

You loved me even when I probably didn’t deserve it. When my own emotional burden was too much for me to carry, you carried it for me.

You carried me through love, adventure, heart break, school, marriage, having Colton, divorce, through all of life’s changes and uncertainty. You were there with me through life’s most beautiful moments, the funny moments, the frustrating ones and the darkest of the dark. You have been the one constant and the only one I could count on without doubt or condition for all these years. You’ve made me feel safe in my heart when I had no certainty. You have been my shadow and as annoying as it sometimes was I am thankful for it and I will miss you following me endlessly to every room. No one is a better cuddler or neck to cry on. You had a knack for being fast asleep while being petted and if I stopped or slowed my pets you would spring awake and demand more pets and would immediately pass out again.

You love your little boy. You have helped raise him to learn responsibility, how to be a scientist because there was no shortage of supplements and medications he learned to help prep, know how to be kind to dogs, respect them and to know the love and kisses of the most amazing dog. I will continue to talk about you always as he grows and we will read your book so he remembers you in his heart and memories.

At 14.5 years, you’ve now been by my side for nearly half of my life. I can’t imagine spending a day or night without you but I know you’re body is tired—the cost of a life so largely lived. In my heart I don’t feel like life can go on without you physically here by my side. But I see in your heart you know I am finally at a place where I am going to be okay-really okay-and that is why you are ready to let me go it alone.

You have been a blessing in my life and I will be forever thankful for sharing your life and heart with mine. I will miss you. I will carry you with me forever in my heart and my memories. I will see you in every dog I work with, I will see you in our new home, on every road trip and every hiking trail. I won’t say goodbye until we meet again, because I know you’re not going anywhere, you’ll always be with me. There have been dogs before you and will be dogs after you, but you are and always will be the very best dog and greatest dog I will ever know. 💚💚💚 I love you Phendi, PhendiP, Pcrate, PhenDerp, PDizzle, P.

Phendi Du Loups Du Soleil IPO3, SchH3, VPG3, CDX, RE, FM, TF-II, PT, RATO, CGC, Heart dog, best friend, best dog